WHY I WANTED TO BE A JOHN DEERE COMBINE
Some people say that high school was the best time of their life. Not so for me, it was more like a living hell. Take a socially awkward, slow to mature, and somewhat nerdy small male and throw him into the vast explosion of hormones called high school, and you a recipe for difficulty. Then include into that, not making it to the bathroom on time during the first week and you can add total humiliation into the mix. There was not many days during my first 2 years that I was not either the butt of a joke, or physically or verbally abused. My self esteem meter bottomed out at negative 20. There were many days that I wondered why I was alive and many that I wished that I wasn't. I didn't trust anyone and had no friends. The last 2 years were easier with a lot less abuse, and somehow I survived high school. When I went off to college I started to make friends but the damage was still there. I got introduced to pot at my dorm and found with it I was able to feel something besides fear, like joy and beauty. There was a time that my roommates and I went out to the country to get high. We were parked by this field, and there was a John Deere combine sitting in it. During our BS session I stated that I wished that I was a farm implement like that combine. After the laughter subsided, I explained that the combine had a purpose, and was made to do a job and it did it well. I couldn't say the same for myself. After 12 years of smoking pot, it started to become obvious that instead of me getting the best out of pot, that it was getting the best out of me. After 1 failed marriage and many failed relationships, I moved away to start over. I continued to get high some, but without the friends and the culture, it became less and less. Finally one day I quit and said I'm done, what else do you have for me? 4 months later I was given a enormous gift when Sally and Pete entered my life. And that was the start of Phase 3 of my life.
I want to clarify that I am not encouraging smoking pot as a remedy for depression. The pain will only go away when you start healing your heart. Each person is unique. There has never been another like you, and never will be. That makes you special and beautiful. No one can really understand the depth of your pain. Your family and friends see you from the outside in, where you feel your pain from the inside out. Also they, like you, are flawed and sometimes their flaws get in the way of them being able to understand. This doesn't mean they don't care, they do the best they can. This is your life, and if you hold on to hope and keep trying, it can get better.
Peace and Love from a John Deere Combine
Alias the Beggar's Apprentice
Some people say that high school was the best time of their life. Not so for me, it was more like a living hell. Take a socially awkward, slow to mature, and somewhat nerdy small male and throw him into the vast explosion of hormones called high school, and you a recipe for difficulty. Then include into that, not making it to the bathroom on time during the first week and you can add total humiliation into the mix. There was not many days during my first 2 years that I was not either the butt of a joke, or physically or verbally abused. My self esteem meter bottomed out at negative 20. There were many days that I wondered why I was alive and many that I wished that I wasn't. I didn't trust anyone and had no friends. The last 2 years were easier with a lot less abuse, and somehow I survived high school. When I went off to college I started to make friends but the damage was still there. I got introduced to pot at my dorm and found with it I was able to feel something besides fear, like joy and beauty. There was a time that my roommates and I went out to the country to get high. We were parked by this field, and there was a John Deere combine sitting in it. During our BS session I stated that I wished that I was a farm implement like that combine. After the laughter subsided, I explained that the combine had a purpose, and was made to do a job and it did it well. I couldn't say the same for myself. After 12 years of smoking pot, it started to become obvious that instead of me getting the best out of pot, that it was getting the best out of me. After 1 failed marriage and many failed relationships, I moved away to start over. I continued to get high some, but without the friends and the culture, it became less and less. Finally one day I quit and said I'm done, what else do you have for me? 4 months later I was given a enormous gift when Sally and Pete entered my life. And that was the start of Phase 3 of my life.
I want to clarify that I am not encouraging smoking pot as a remedy for depression. The pain will only go away when you start healing your heart. Each person is unique. There has never been another like you, and never will be. That makes you special and beautiful. No one can really understand the depth of your pain. Your family and friends see you from the outside in, where you feel your pain from the inside out. Also they, like you, are flawed and sometimes their flaws get in the way of them being able to understand. This doesn't mean they don't care, they do the best they can. This is your life, and if you hold on to hope and keep trying, it can get better.
Peace and Love from a John Deere Combine
Alias the Beggar's Apprentice
Comments
Post a Comment