MY INTERVIEW WITH A YETI

AS A PART TIME MOUNTAINEER AND EXPLORER, I HAVE WITNESSED MANY UNUSUAL SIGHTS ON CLIMBS. THE LAST TIME, WHILE TAKING ON THE HIMALAYANS, ABOUT A THIRD OF THE WAY UP, A YETI SUDDENLY APPEARED BEFORE ME. STARTLED AT FIRST, I REGAINED MY COMPOSURE AND TOOK 2 PHOTOS OF THE YETI.

YES I FORGOT TO TAKE THE LENS CAP OFF.

MY SECOND PHOTO CLEARLY SHOWS THE YETI. 

AS I WAS RETURNING TO BASE CAMP WITH MY NEW TREASURE, I WAS STARTLED AGAIN BY THE SAME YETI AS BEFORE. HE TOOK MY CAMERA BEFORE I COULD USE IT, BUT INDICATED HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. SHOCKED AND THRILLED, I PULLED OUT MY SMART PHONE WHERE I HAD FRIVOLOUSLY DOWNLOADED THE YETI TO ENGLISH APP MONTHS EARLIER. HE INDICATED NO PHOTOS WOULD BE ALLOWED, SO I PROCEEDED TO ASK HIM QUESTIONS.

WE HAVE A LOT OF NAMES FOR YOU. YETI, SASQUATCH, BIGFOOT, AND BIG HARRY DUDE. WHICH NAME DO YOU PREFER?

TRANSLATION: WELL MY WIFE CALLS ME HER CUDDLY SNOWBALL, BUT MY NAME IS JEROME.

IS IT OK TO CALL YOU JEROME?

 

TRANSLATION: SORRY MY NUMBER IS UNLISTED AND I DON'T GIVE IT OUT TO ANYONE.

WHAT DO YOU EAT?

TRANSLATION: IT IS HARD TO GET TAKE OUT, NOBODY WANTS TO COME UP ONTO THE MOUNTAINS. MOSTLY SNOW RATS. THEY SAY THEY TASTE LIKE CHICKEN, BUT I'VE NEVER HAD CHICKEN TO KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH ALL YOUR TIME?

TRANSLATION: AFTER THE CABLE TV WENT OUT, WE HAD TO FIND OTHER WAYS TO OCCUPY OUR TIME. ONE OF OUR FAVORITE GAMES IS GUESSING WHAT COLOR COAT THE NEXT HUMAN WILL BE WEARING.

HOW MANY YETI LIVE ON THESE MOUNTAINS?

TRANSLATION: 431 IF YOU COUNT MY WIFE'S CRAZY COUSIN. WE HAVE NEVER HAD A FIGHT HERE EXCEPT THE YEAR THE SNOW RATS WERE IN SHORT SUPPLY.

SINCE YOU ARE RARELY SEEN BY HUMANS, DOES THAT MEAN YOU ARE AFRAID OF THEM?

TRANSLATION: WE ARE TAUGHT AT AN EARLY  AGE TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS. THEY ARE THE MOST AROGANT AND SAVAGE BEAST ON THE PLANET. THEY KILL AND MAIM ANY THING THEY CHOOSE FOR NO REASON, INCLUDING THEIR OWN KIND. WE HAVE A SPECIAL NAME FOR THEM. WE CALL THEM SNOW RATS. SPEAKING OF WHICH I SMELL MY WIFE'S COOKING, SO I'D BETTER GO. I WOULD INVITE YOU OVER, BUT SHE HATES WHEN I BRING STRANGERS HOME WITHOUT WARNING.

WITH THIS, HE TOOK THE LENS OFF MY CAMERA AND RETURNED THE REST TO ME AND HEADED OFF. SHAKEN AND GRATEFUL I WASN'T HIS SUPPER, I LEFT THE MOUNTAIN. TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NOT RETURNED, BUT I THINK DAILY OF MY INTERVIEW WITH THE YETI.

UNTIL NEXT TIME 

STAY SAFE AND SANE

THE BEGGAR'S APPRENTICE